Hi y’all. I’ve gotten a lot of messages the last few months asking if I’m still active and the short answer is no. Life has been a roller coaster this year.
My day job at the university was so stressful I ended up in the hospital and dropped out of school.
My biological family, the ones I’m estranged from, the reason this blog exists to begin with, are still trying to wedge themselves into my life through private investigators and people I knew in childhood finding my Facebook.
I repeatedly get threatening and spiteful emails from other people’s parents who are furious that this blog exists. It’s at least twice a week now, and I haven’t even updated in six months; I can’t imagine what it would be like if I still updated.
I no longer feel safe having a public social media presence.
I talk a lot about how things don’t get better unless you work at them, but sometimes things get worse again.
I feel like I’ve let y’all down, but I honestly just don’t have it in me to be an internet big sister anymore.
I’m sorry. I can’t help anymore. At this point I’m capable of the bare minimum in life: going to work and paying my bills mostly on time. Sometimes that’s just the best you can do.
Anonymous asked: Do you have any resources for free or extra cheap household stuff? I just moved into an apartment by myself and, while I'm not necessarily struggling, money is tight. The dollar tree is my primary go to for cheap stuff but a lot of it isn't quality.
Thrift shops, consignment stores, and yard sales. Almost all of my kitchenware came from yard sales and thrift shops (I got a full set of Corelle plates and bowls for $4 at Goodwill a few years ago and still have them), and a lot of my not-new furniture came from a consignment store.
There’s also big box stores, which tend to have big college sales around this time of year, but again you run into the quality issue. I got a futon from Walmart a few years ago and it was honestly the worst piece of furniture I’ve ever owned. But things that dorm students tend to use go on super sale around the summer, so if you’re in need of folding tables and chairs (no judgment, that’s my dining table too) and metal storage racks, now’s the time to get them at Target or Walmart.
And if there’s an Ikea nearby, keep an eye on their Ikea Family discounts (it’s free to sign up). Some of their stuff isn’t worth the effort, but you can get things like dinnerware super cheap and organizational stuff that’ll last you a while.
If you live in a college town, put on your gross workout clothes and some gardening gloves and go dumpster diving for the next couple months. I wouldn’t go for kitchenware, but you can get some good furniture from lazy students who didn’t want to move their shit.
Related, keep an eye out for curb alerts on Craigslist and just Craigslist in general (although there are weirdos on there so beware of that). Curb alerts let you know when someone has good stuff sitting on the curb for free so you don’t have to get dirty in the dumpster. And there are sometimes people moving with no notice who need to get rid of a bunch of furniture for cheap.
Last year was the first time I bought actually new furniture from a furniture store in my entire life, and I decorated and furnished my apartments just fine with secondhand stuff before. 10/10 would recommend thrift shopping for house stuff
Anonymous asked: Do you have any tips on how to get through a few years with your abusers? I'm in a situation where I have to live with them for four more years. Any advice would be appreciated.
You actually don’t “have to live with them for four more years.”
If there is abuse, report it. Find an alternate living situation.
I’m going out on a limb and assuming that like most of the people who message me, you’re financially dependent on your abuser.
Don’t let financial abuse make you feel trapped. You have other options for money and living spaces.
If you’re an adult, find a shelter that will provide emergency financial assistance and job transition services. If you’re a minor, tell a school counselor about the abuse (they are mandatory reporters) and get yourself placed in foster care or with another family member.
If you are really committed to staying those four years, know that the longer you are there, the worse the abuse will be and the longer it will take to therapy it out of you later. Create a support system for yourself outside of your home and make sure those people know about the abuse and are willing and able to help you when you decide to leave.
CPS wouldn’t necessarily get involved. Asker needs to contact a family law attorney in their area and ask if they can have a few minutes to interview them for a school project.
pretendboyfriends asked: Hello.......Feel free to ignore this, but I am curious. I've recently come across a story whereas the biological mother of a child signs her parental rights to her, for lack of a better word, sperm donor. Is that possible? How would CPS handle this? I'm very intrigued by such a thing and would love to hear any comments at all as I plan to write my senior thesis on the matter.
Okay, y’all know I’m not a lawyer or CPS worker, right? When I get questions about legalities like this I obvs ask my lawyer friends for ya, but they always say, “What state are they in? It depends on the state and their custody/emancipation/etc. precedents.”
So if you’re writing your senior thesis on this you’ll probably want to talk to a real lawyer in your state. Or look up similar cases in your state. Or if you’re doing a comparison study, look up cases in your state and in like, Florida (because they’re fucked up about custody and CPS down there). And not to be salty, but maybe take some research methods classes, because I’m here to help and all, but y’all can’t cite a random-ass Tumblr on a college paper. To your instructors, Tumblr is about as trustworthy as Wikipedia.
But yes, this is something that is totally possible, whether it’s an actual sperm donor from a sperm bank, or “for lack of a better word, sperm donor,” which I assume means a biological father who ran off at some point after conception.
If there’s a paternity test or birth certificate with the dude’s name on it, he can exercise his parental rights at any time, barring a few exceptions. And if the mother willingly signs away her parental rights to him, then that makes it even easier.
How would CPS handle it? If there were any allegations or history of abuse on the part of either of the parents, they’d investigate; if either of them had felony records, particularly regarding children or drugs, they’d investigate; otherwise they wouldn’t really care. Signing away parental rights is done in the courts so CPS doesn’t usually need to consult.
Anonymous asked: Hello, how are you? I was wondering if you could help me... I'm in middle school. Due to certain circumstances, I recently began to study at home and I don't have teachers to help me, so I'm a little lost as for what I should do... I'm not quite sure about how to address my subjects or which sources I shall use. Moreover, I'm awfully lousy at subjects like Math and History, and I don't think I can study them on my own. If you can, could you give me some kind of advice, please?
Seriously. There are approximately 293847927492083 stay-at-home-moms who obsessively pin lesson plans, worksheets, and resources for pretty much every subject and grade level imaginable.
Just search for your topic/subject along with the words homeschool, printables, worksheets, lesson plans, education, teaching, field trips, study guides, flash cards, or resources.
I have used this for museum programming; it’s a great way to find things that have already worked for other students. You can do the same with Tumblr to a degree (mostly with masterlists/masterposts, or study guides) but Pinterest has a lot more for middle school where Tumblr is more high school and college level. You can even look up some open courses on YouTube, Khan Academy, Coursera, etc.
Anonymous asked: My mom is abusive, but my dad isn't. They both smoke weed, I have to younger siblings, and I'm 14 in New Hampshire. I've been thinking of calling cps but I'm worried I'll end up with my dad. Anything info on this stuff would be very appreciated
If you call CPS and they decide to remove you from your mother’s home, you will most likely end up with your father.
If he had a history of abuse or felony convictions and CPS decides you should not live with him, they will either place you with another family member (an aunt or grandparent or cousin, etc., whovolunteers to be your guardian) or in foster care. Even then, there is still a chance that this will be a temporary placement, and they can still decide that later on your mother has rehabilitated enough to have custody. In New Hampshire, you may not be able to have your living preferences even heardin court, let alone considered during judgment.
Here is a list of homeless shelters in New Hampshire. They can put you in touch with caseworkers. Here is information from Child and Family Services of New Hampshire on their runaway and homeless youth program.
This is the abuse reporting page for CPS. In some areas, calling yourself will not result in a case being opened. If you have a guidance counselor or social worker that you already know or have access to (there should be one or both in your school) then talk to them. They are mandatory reporters, so they have to call on your behalf.
Ordinarily I’d just push y’all to the main blog, but the likelihood of clickthroughs from Tumblr is low, and I think this is really important information for a lot of folks out there in Tumblrland. This post is LONG.
Here’s the most important info from the HTRAFH series I posted on OSG this week. The OSG proper posts are linked throughout the text.
Where are you going? Who can help you? What do you need?
Not only do you need to pack a bug-out bag with some or all of your life necessities, but you need to be emotionally prepared for the fallout.
This is not an easy decision, and it should not be made lightly. Being completely independent and unsupported by your parents is fucking hard, which is why >70% of runaways go back home within a day. People doubt you and belittle you, it’s hard to get systematic support from schools or social workers, and you’ll be in therapy basically forever. It sucks. But it can be worth it.
Leveraging your freedom with the emotional and social consequences of being parent-free makes running away and life after being kicked out really difficult. When you commit to getting out, you have to make a lot of uncomfortable and difficult decisions that center on: which is worse.
Which is worse: living in a homeless shelter or feeling like a hostage of your family?
Which is worse: getting a crappy job or being financially dependent on family members who use money as a form of control?
Which is worse: uncomfortable conversations with police and social services or enduring abuse?
Make a Plan
What should you plan? How do you even get started?
The most important things you’ll need to know how to find are: housing, money, and support.
If you had to get out of the house in two minutes:
Where can you go?
How can you get there?
What would you do the next day? The next month?
How can you get food?
How can you get money?
What else do you need?
How can you keep from getting dragged back “home”?
Who can and will help you stay away?
Come up with a concrete plan that covers those things. If you can, come up with alternate plans in the event things don’t go the way you thought they would. Your friends’ parents may be generous to let you stay for a week, and they might even feed you when you’re there, but you need to think beyond that.
You can’t live off of other people’s generosity forever. Couch-surfing and crashing with someone rent-free must be a temporary part of your plan.
You’ll want to find long-term housing, whether it’s with a shelter, a hostel, or a transitional living program. At some point you will need money–for shelter, food, health, and fun.Find ways to make a living, even if it’s doing something as passive astaking surveys and watching videos on your phone.
Talk to people. See which friends can help you out, and who can point you in the direction of case workers. Call shelters and social services to ask for help. Apply for grants and financial assistance. You never know who is willing to help until you ask them.
If nothing else, know where to find a homeless shelter and food bank.
Pack Your Bug-Out Bag
What’s a Bug-Out Bag?
It’s a bag that’s ready and waiting for you when you need to get out–whether it’s a temporary relocation or a permanent escape. It’s a term used by the preppers but it’s also used among runaways and throwaways as a bag that has the bare essentials for striking out on your own.
Chances are, you can’t fit everything you need in a single bag–and even more likely, you won’t have access to the things you need to put in a bag. But figuring out exactly what you need is the key to planning a bug-out bag and your immediate future.
When I left home, I had an extra pair of pants and my wallet with a few dollars inside. I didn’t have a phone or a debit card or anything. Now I have a hoarded 300-square-foot apartment–living proof that if you keep pushing through, you will eventually have the material objects you need.
But if you can make a bug-out bag, find a safe space (or several safe spaces) and gather the essentials. If you’re in an abusive situation where your possessions and privacy are strictly controlled or monitored, you’ll have to be extra sneaky.
Good places to hide stuff:
between the mattress and box spring
underwear drawer
coat/pants pockets
bottom of a clothes hamper or trash can
an air vent
friends’ houses
sticks of deodorant
old pill bottles
book/binder safe
potted plants
battery compartments of electronics
What do you need in your Bug-Out Bag?
Anything that you might need or want if you had to get out of the house in less than five minutes. Here is a one-page printable checklist for pre-packing your bug-out bag:
edit: As a youth who was kicked out in a time before cell phones were ubiquitous, I neglected to include a phone on this list. However, if your parents pay for your phone, it can be cut off at any time or be used for blackmail against you. If you can spare the $10, get a burner phone at Walmart for emergencies.
Who Can Help?
What kind of things do you need on your Bug-Out Bag info list? Think about what you’ll need once you’re on your own. Money, food, housing, medical care, emotional support…
Keep a list of all of the people and places that can give you that so you know where to go in the middle of the night. These can be:
friends
family members of friends
your own sympathetic family members
social services/child protective services
the police
hotlines
domestic violence centers
shelters
food banks
employment offices
clinics
college financial aid offices
the library, which can put you in touch with all of the above
Seriously, I cannot emphasize the last one enough. Your local public or school library has so many regional-specific resources available for you if you just ask. If nothing else, the library is a good place to stay during the day when you have nowhere else to go.
Resources
Note: These links are mostly US-specific because that’s where I live. A quick Google search for these service keywords and your country or area will go a long way in finding supportive providers.
Crisis Hotlines and Chat Support
Most crisis help lines can help you out when you plan to run away from home by searching for shelters and case workers for you, or just by talking through the reasons you want to run away from home. They’re a great resource to have on hand when you’re feeling lost.
Thursday’s Child: directory of hotlines, text lines, and chat support for youth in crisis [inexplicably has autoplay music]
Abuse Reporting and Recovery
Whether you’re trying to become emancipated, press charges against your parents, or you just need help with the emotional fallout when you run away from home, these organizations can help you find the resources that work for your specific situation.
American Bar Association: find legal help whether you’re pressing charges against a parent or you want to know what your rights are when filing for emancipation.
Shelters gain and lose funding all the time, so it always helps to search for what’s still open in your immediate area. These websites and organizations can help with that search, but again: libraries are often safe spaces and the staff there know what’s in your neighborhood better than a stranger on the internet.
Many of the homeless shelters and youth programs listed above have transitional housing programs, but here are two good resources for getting help transitioning to independent living when transitional housing programs aren’t available.
Help When You Need It: connects you with local providers for financial, food, and housing assistance
Year Up: transitional living programs that get you employed and housed within a year
Health and Wellness
Many homeless youth struggle with receiving adequate health care on the streets. These two sites help connect you with general and mental health services in your area, but they are by no means exhaustive lists. Search for free or tiered-payment clinics in your area for local providers.
Most helplines and providers focus on immediate problems such as homelessness or abuse, but youth who run away from home have any number of other issues to deal with, from dating to drugs to staying in school. These organizations help supplement the day-to-day drama you have to deal with. Many larger cities also have youth centers, so be sure to search for what’s in your area.
Boys and Girls Club: outreach and after-school programs, as well as counselors and case workers who can connect you with local providers
ReachOut: information and advice for common issues facing youth today
CenterLink: LGBT-focused community and youth groups
If you have any additional resources to add to this list, please reblog them or send me an Ask and I’ll update the list here and at OSG.
This post is a year old now and it’s kind of my baby. I still get asks about it a lot (no resource suggestions tho so pls send them to me!) but here is a brief FAQ slash follow-up:
“I’m a minor and I want to leave my parents; what can I do?”
As a minor, you have a lot of official government resources available to you, way more than you would if you took off the day you turn 18. You also have a much better chance of getting financial aid if/when you go to college.
But you also have to deal with The System a lot more because legally you’re not an adult and you can’t make decisions; someone else has to be appointed to make those decisions for you. And the system is set up to keep your parents appointed as those people.
Reach out to child protective services or a nearby homeless shelter (especially if they serve youth) to get help connecting with lawyers, social workers, and potential guardians. Even if they can’t take you in or they’re too far away for you to go there, just giving them a call can help get you going in the right direction. They’ll be able to provide you with more actionable advice than I would, because they know what your options are where you live.
Your options are a lot different in a college town, in rural Georgia, in NYC, in Chicago, in Portland, in Ireland. I can only give you a general jumping-off point; you have to find what’s available for you specifically.
If you don’t know how to find those things, call the library. They know what’s out there for you.
“I’m only 13, 14, 15, and I want to leave my parents.”
In short: you can’t. You’re a child. You literally (culturally, legally) cannot be an independent adult at your age, no matter how mature or pragmatic you think you are.
Yes, in some states it’s possible to become emancipated younger, but you have to be able to financially support yourself while staying in school, and there are federal and state child labor laws that will prevent you from being able to do that before you’re 16.
It’s a lot easier to become emancipated or a ward of the state once you’re 16; if you’re younger than 16 you have no choice but to have someone else declared as your guardian if you want to leave your parents’ home. Period.
If there is no one in your life you trust to become your new guardian, or no one is willing to do it, you’ll have to think long and hard about whether leaving your family to go into foster care will be worth it. Because that is your option. Foster care. And it fucking sucks.
“It’s so hard!”
Is it harder to figure out adulthood on your own or is it harder to stay with your parents?
That’s the decision you have to make for yourself. It’s never going to be easy.
I had to work really fucking hard to get to where I am. I had to figure everything out on my own. But I put the work into it because it would have been worse to stay.
Before you start poking around blogs to find out how to escape, figure out if you really would be better off on your own.
Here are some books about the realities of life as a runaway or in the foster care system:
Orphan Survival Guide is a blog about managing life on your own. Here you'll find advice and testimonials about navigating adulthood without parental support. As a nontraditional student, I shared a lot of college tips as well.
The OSG-STUFF tag is just my stuff--the things I wrote on the blog or in response to Asks.
Get started...
GET A JOB Learn from dropouts and stay-at-home-moms how to work from home with no higher education.
GET FINANCIAL AID Fight the Financial Aid office until they give you the money you deserve.
GET FREE TEXTBOOKS The textbook industry is run by con artists. Scam them back.
GET OUT This is your starting point for escaping an abusive home. It mostly applies to US youth who are old enough to emancipate themselves (typically 16) and hold down a job (also 16). If you are being abused and want help, consult a local family law attorney and CPS office to learn about your rights and options.
DISCLAIMER: I am not a lawyer or a social worker so Google and I can only take you so far.
